17 June 2010


From Tilly

Tilly is my cousin.

The first woman in this world that I had a crush on, after my mother.

A young Keesie type sees an advertisement for tenders to capture and relocate leopards from a farm to a reserve.

He submits his price.

He is by far the lowest and is asked to present his method statement;

I reads: I catch the leopard, I put it in the back of the van, I drive to the reserve and release it.

As he was substantially cheaper than the next tender he is appointed as the contractor, by the Farmer.

On his first day on the job there is a whole lot of greenies and dog turd huggers around to see him arrive with a Toyota 2.4 diesel Double Cab with Aussie Sheep Containment bars on the back, and a stack of grain bags.

He also had an assistant with a .22 rifle and a Fox Terrier dog.

The greenies and the huggers screamed and defecated.

A day later with 6 leopards writhing in bags the screaming stops and he delivers the leopards to the conservancy.

He answers questions as to how he does this so well.

“Well, we locate da leopard and chase it with da van into a tree, I then put on some welding gloves and climb the tree after da leopard and start to talk to it.

We scream and klap (with da gloves) and he climbs higher.

Until I have chased it into da small branches.

He finally jumps down and that is where da foxterrier crabs him by da balls.

As any man, that is grabbed by da balls, he freezes and after I get out of da tree, we bag him and start again.”

The Farmer then asks “What do you need the assistant and the .22 rifle for”

“If dat leopard knocks me out of da tree he has to shoot da fox terrier.

Just in case you believe me:

Here is a real leopard.

You are fucking crazy...but the Crock should have been closer to his water. You've got to play to play...I think.
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